The Lighter Side

The Decade of Misery…

What are you humming to? I asked her, Grenade, she said, Grenade? I inquired with an inquisitive look. Its the new song by Bruno Mars, I’d catch a grenade for you, throw my hand on a blade for you…shes the one with the inquisitive look, my stance shifts to utterly mesmerized…whatever happened to Gilmore, Lennon, Plant, Sting, Simon & Garfunkel…Who are they? Never mind, lets sit on a grenade, that’s some deep shit you know, I reply smiling, hiding the agony that lies beneath.

While I truly welcome the new decade, I hope the misery in music and media that encapsulated the past decade ends in this decade. To get an idea I present to you these lyrics from a guy call Akon (thats pronounced a-kon) who pretty much sounds like a machine you would have to be deaf to think that this sound comes from his throat. So without further ado, here goes the lyrics and my analysis of them in italics.

Konvict, Konvict Muzik
And you know we upfront
This is obviously not English, the first line might be talking about one who has been convicted of a crime
I see you winding and grinding up on that pole
I know you see me lookin’ at you when you already know
I wanna fuck you, you already know
I wanna fuck you, you already know, girl
The first line perhaps eludes to the fact that he is looking at a stripper, and if you have been to a strip club, which I know you have, you know each and every girl there knows that each and every guy there wants to fuck her, so that’s a no brain-er, but hey, hes horny, his pants are extruded around the groin area, and she sees that, and she derives the gentleman’s inclination to have sexual intimacy
Money in the air that’s mo’ fair, grab you by your coat tail
Take you to the motel, wholesale
Don’t tell, won’t tell, baby say I don’t talk dog
But she told on me, oh well
So he throws some money at her, an amount that is agreeable to her, grabs her by her coat tail, which is rather odd for her to be wearing, but seemingly Mr. Akon is a master of rhythm and like to rhyme. Once he has firmly grabbed her by the coat tail, he duly escorts her to a commercially nightly rental location. And now I am thinking what wholesale has to do with that, I suppose nothing. Following that, Mr. Akon is eluding to the lady to not tell any one about it, but also on the side, he doesn’t want her to tell any one that Mr. Akon cannot bark. But since she was not really a lady of character, she told on him anyway and he doesn’t give a shit.
Take a picture with me, what the flick gon’ do?
Baby stick to me and I’ma stick on you
If you pick me then I’ma pick on you
D-O-double-G and I’m here to put this dick on you
So after she told every one of the sexual intimate experience in the commercially rented out facility, there is some talk of a picture being taken, and a question of what the picture is going to do? Mr. Akon requests the girl with whom he had a sexually intimate experience to stay with him and he will take a sticker and apply it to her skin. If she decides to pick him (from the room full of men in the strip club, who probably have all had a sexually intimate experience with her) then he is going to call on her to answer a question from amongst a group of people. He mis-spells dog, putting an extra G there, and then he tells her that he wants to put his friend named dick on her.
I’m stuck on pussy and yours is right
Rip ride on those poles and those doors is tight
And I’ma get me a shot ‘for the end of the night
‘Cause pussy is pussy and baby you’re pussy for life
Mr. Akon like cats, and he specifically likes the cat that belongs to the girl with whom he had a sexually intimate experience with. Not only does he like the cat, he is going to take tequila shots till the sun rises. Other than the tequila bit, Mr. Akon is deeply enunciated with cats, and though he likes the cat of the lady with whom (yaddi yadda yadda) he also thinks that she is a cat, and she is going to be a cat for life!
I see you winding and grinding up on that pole
I know you see me lookin’ at you when you already know
I wanna fuck you, you already know
I wanna fuck you, you already know, girl
See the translation above
Shorty I can see you ain’t lonely
Handful of niggers and they all got G’s
So you lookin’ at me now what it’s gonna be
Just another a tease far as I can see
After sometime has passed, the lady (yaddi yadda yadda) has found some one else in the strip club. There is talk of a group of African Americans who all have the letter “G” and the lady (yaddi yadda yadda) is now looking at Mr. Akon inquisitively, teasingly, perhaps she yearns for some sexual intimacy or she is making funny faces at him.  
Trying to get you up out this club
If it means spendin’ a couple dubs
Throwin’ about 30 stacks in the back make it rain like that
‘Cause I’m far from a scrub
Mr. Akon is trying to get the lady (yaddi yadda yadda) out of the strip club, even if it requires for him to translate a couple of foreign languages and spending the money that he earns from the translation. He will also take around 30 stacks of hay from the barn and throw them in the back of the farm. This act of throwing is said to cause some rain. Mr. Akon is not a doctor.
And you know my pedigree
Ex-deala used to move ‘phetamines
Girl I spend money like it don’t mean nothing
And besides I got a thing for you
Mr. Akon suggests that the lady (yaddi yadda yadda) knows about the bags of dog food that he has in his pantry. A former dealer who also either used to or wants to move some serious drugs. Mr. Akon spends a lot of money. Also he has something that he wants to give her!
I see you winding and grinding up on that pole
I know you see me lookin’ at you when you already know
I wanna fuck you, you already know
I wanna fuck you, you already know, girl
See translation above
Mobbin’ through the club in the low pressin’
I’m sittin’ in the back in the smoker section
Birds eye, I got a clear view
You can’t see me but I can see you
There are a lot of people in the club, but Mr. Akon is bending down and ironing his shirt. He then goes to the back of the club and sits where all the people are smoking cigarettes, looking at frozen vegetables he loves his eye sight. The lady (yaddi yadda yadda) can’t see him, but he can see her!
It’s cool we jet, the mood is set, your pussy is wet
You’re rubbin’ your back and touchin’ your neck
Your body is movin’, you’re humpin’ and jumpin’, your tities is bouncin’
You’re smilin’ and grinning and lookin’ at me
It is cold because of the planes flying by, and the temperature is making them romantic, and the lady’s cat has become wet. The lady is rubbing her back and touching her neck. Her body is moving, she is jumping which is making her breasts to bounce, and she smiles and looks at Mr. Akon.
Girl and while you lookin’ at me, I’m ready to hit the catty
Right up on the patio, move the patty to the catty
Baby you got a fatty, the type I like to marry
Wanting to just give you everything and it’s kinda scary
While she looks at him, Mr. Akon wants to go and beat the shit out of her cat. He wants to take the cat to the patio and take the burger patty and feed it to the cat. The lady has a fat pillow, and Mr. Akon would like to marry the pillow. And after the marriage, he will give all the money he made from the translations and he is scared of that.
‘Cause I’m lovin’ the way you shake your ass
Bouncin’ got me tippin’ my glass
Normally don’t get caught up too fast
But I got a thing for you
Mr. Akon is loving the way the lady (yaddi yadda yadda) is shaking her behind, some one’s bouncing has caused his glass to fall. Normally, he doesn’t let any one let his glass fall with their bouncing, but he does possess something that he wants to give to the lady (yaddi yadda yadda)
I see you winding and grinding up on that pole
I know you see me lookin’ at you when you already know
I wanna fuck you, you already know
I wanna fuck you, you already know
see above for translation
I see you winding and grinding up on that pole
I know you see me lookin’ at you when you already know
I wanna fuck you, you already know
I wanna fuck you, you already know, girl
see above for translation

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